MESSAGE LEFT ON THE BRITISH ARMY ANSWERPHONE:
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all
our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific
crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out
Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The
Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health
and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more
options, listen to the following numbers:
A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1
for the Royal Marines.
B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate,
good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please
press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not
available after 1630 or weekends.)
C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be
resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a
first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea
Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
During WWII on a B-24 bombing mission, flying out of Cerignola, Italy
toward our target for the day in Austria, during which radio silence was
never violated, even though the Germans knew we were on the way, a lone voice
suddenly broke that silence. "Who dat!?!?", the voice asked.
Silence, then, "Who dat who say Who dat!?!?' ". Silence. Then, "Who dat
who say who dat, who say who dat?!?!. Then, "Who dat who say who dat who say
who dat.?!?!" Then a highly irritated, "SHUT UP!!!", obviously from our full
Colonel Group Commander who was leading a bunch of young, fun loving
lieutenant pilots. Needless to say, the process was repeated a few minutes
later, with the same "SHUT UP!!!!" order.
The violation was the first item to be covered at our post mission
debriefing when we returned to the Base. But the total boredom and tension of
the long flight to our target had been interrupted with a very relaxing
Some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a
200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
Rules of Flying
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well,
something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
Just remember, if you crash because of
weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to
strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
The Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably
isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible.
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't
cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I
Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
You've never been lost until you've been lost
at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone
braver than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
There is no reason to fly through a
thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)
The three best things in life are a good
landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing
is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three
at the same time.