military aviation jokes

MESSAGE LEFT ON THE BRITISH ARMY ANSWERPHONE:

Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.

B If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends.)

C. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
 

During WWII on a B-24 bombing mission, flying out of Cerignola, Italy toward our target for the day in Austria, during which radio silence was never violated, even though the Germans knew we were on the way, a lone voice suddenly broke that silence. "Who dat!?!?", the voice asked.

Silence, then, "Who dat who say Who dat!?!?' ". Silence. Then, "Who dat who say who dat, who say who dat?!?!. Then, "Who dat who say who dat who say who dat.?!?!" Then a highly irritated, "SHUT UP!!!", obviously from our full Colonel Group Commander who was leading a bunch of young, fun loving lieutenant pilots. Needless to say, the process was repeated a few minutes later, with the same "SHUT UP!!!!" order.

The violation was the first item to be covered at our post mission debriefing when we returned to the Base. But the total boredom and tension of the long flight to our target had been interrupted with a very relaxing interlude.

John Keneally
 

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

Rules of Flying

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
(Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
(Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
(Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
(Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.