URGENT ADVISORY NOTAM  VERMIS AVIONIX L.

 issued by research dept. of PILOTFRIEND 14/06/02 (no.1234)

All aircraft owners are advised to carefully examine all components of their aircraft immediately for any signs of infestation by Vermis avionix L.. For many years it has been suggested that such organisms existed in all parts of aircraft and have been in passing referred to as 'Gremlins' or 'Bugs'. Only now, after years of painstaking research by pilotfriend scientists has this organism finally been isolated and studied in great detail.
After DNA testing, it is thought that these organisms evolved as a result of chance matings between nerd aircraft designers and Bakolite. Further mutations have since been identified which are composed of silicone and long gene sequences only found in computer nerds (annals of boffins 2001).
 
Research suggests that the F1 progeny are only able to communicate using ‘Ones’ and ‘Zeros’ resulting in cognitive dysfunction in the recognition of any other digits’. Animal psychologists have hypothesised that this primitive thought process termed ‘Binary Dysphasia’ may be the result of incompatible bonding between carbon and silicone molecular structures resulting in degenerated neuro-receptors causing cerebral stupidity and attenuated forward projection (Modem and Hack 1998) when exposed to any vibration or change in altitude.

Vermis avionix is a small segmented nematode with a large mouth and simple alimentary canal able to digest silicone and other parts of aircraft. It excretes a dark grey sticky substance found in many corners of aircraft and is similar to that found on keypads of afflicted computers. After a long dormancy, they approach completion of their life-cycle just prior to use of the aircraft. There is a rapid metamorphosis from the early larval form, “BYTE”,


removed from S-Tec altitude hold on a Glasair note eroded chip (published by kind agreement of pilotfriend research dept.)
 

through an intermediate phase, “MEGABYTE”
removed from aircraft of Royal Flight
 

 to the fully formed imago, “GIGABYTE”.

recovered still alive from Atlantic Malibu wreckage near Martha's Vineyard from glide path indicator

When first isolated, these organisms appear to be slow moving and non-aggressive. It has subsequently been discovered that they will begin a period of frenetic activity (BYTE FRENZY) as the aircraft is towed out of the hanger. They will then desperately attack numerous components of the airframe in order to complete their reproductive cycle.

The life cycle of this organism explains why previously completely serviceable aircraft are unable to operate for the next fight without first undergoing very expensive maintenance. Even batteries can be invaded by these creatures, which are virtually impossible to exterminate due to their carbon/silicone structure. There is strong evidence that the existence of Vermis avionix has been known to aircraft maintenance establishments for some time. There are reports coming in, as yet unsubstantiated, that some maintenance companies have been breeding and disseminating this organism for many years.

Continued research is being conducted by pilotfriend to find methods of eradicating this pest. Until then, all Vermis avionix found in aircraft or hangers must be taken home and contained to prevent further spread of this global problem.

To prevent the loss of life, more flying time and expensive maintenance bills we MUST keep all captured Bytes away from aircraft and within the curtilage of our homes. To prevent any possible escape,  we must keep them very contented. Remember, a Byte Is not just for Christmas. Your Byte can be kept stimulated by placing it near a source of electro-magnetic radiation, such as your TV, microwave, pacemaker or computer. Show you love your Byte by letting it watch TV on your lap, or let it sit on your CD while you sing along to your favorite music. Bytes hate being lonely, so if you have to go out without them, let them play with your other pets, but ABSOLUTELY keep them away from goldfish. (Our animal behaviourist is still too upset to say exactly what happened). Bytes love to travel particularly if you visit nuclear weapons systems, early warning radars, heart/lung machines or air-traffic control centres.(we know why NATS has had so much trouble).

1.     Do not place Bytes near fax machines or they will send themselves.

    2.    Do not place Bytes near photocopiers or they will reproduce themselves.

    3.    Cover all computer and modem ports with duct tape as they will escape into cyberspace.

    4.    At all costs keep away from goldfish.

We have managed to decipher some Byte language which may help you to control and love your Byte.

"Play dead"..............................110011101011101011
"sit".........................................0010001101100
"Dinner"...................................1011011011010110100011111
"leave the Goldfish!"..................101001011101000111101110101001000111101111011110110

Note: pilotfriend is unable to take e-mails on correct pronunciation at present. We are working with Berlitz to produce a set of tapes as soon as possible

issued by the advanced research centre of pilotfriend at a secret location somewhere near Milton Keynes.